Without You
by HopeInMyHeart
Summary: Arizona leaves for her new life in Africa, but learning to live without Callie by her side is more unimaginable than she thought.
1. Chapter 1

Arizona can hardly breathe as she turns, and walks away from Callie in the terminal. Her words echoed in her mind.

"_I don't want to go to Africa with you."_

She wished she had never uttered those words. That she would have kept her mouth shut, and allowed Callie the space to get used to a life she simply wasn't that crazy about. Maybe then, she wouldn't feel like her world had just imploded around her.

She blinks hard, and feels that familiar swelling in her throat, but steels herself from daring to turn around. She so badly wants to turn around and see Callie, her Calliope behind her. Waiting for her, begging her to work this out. But she refused to allow herself to turn back around. If there was one thing that the Colonel had drilled into his only daughter's head for her entire life was the importance of turning forward, keeping your head held high, and facing challenges head on. "Robbins' never look back." was what he always told her as a little girl.

She knows it was only a matter of moments before her personal dam is going to burst. She ducks into a stall in the ladies room at the far end of the terminal and quietly sobs over the seeming finality of her decision to move forward with her plans.

Without her.

#

The plane lands, an excruciating fourteen hours later in Africa with an unsettling bump. Arizona is startled awake by the force of the plane hitting the runway. She had fallen asleep somewhere over the atlantic, and was hoping that when she awoke, Callie would be in the seat next to her, holding her hand, that it had all been a side effect of the sedative she had opted for to endure the flight. She is crushed all over again when she realizes that it was no nightmare, and that her seat mate is still the same soft spoken scholar from Kashmir.

Her mouth is like cotton and her eyes are as dry as sandpaper from all of the silent crying she has been doing since she took her seat on the plane in Seattle. She reaches for her bottle of water, and lifts her matted, sweaty blonde locks off of the back of her neck and into a ponytail as she gathers her carry on, and deplanes a few moments later.

The terminal is bright and full of activity, and the air is hot and sweet smelling. She sighs deeply, sadly and thinks to herself, "she should be here. This should be our adventure."

"Dr. Robbins?"

Arizona looks up as a young man approaches her. He startled her right out of the fog her mind had just been in.

"yes" she forces a smile and extends her hand to him.

The young man smiles widely. I'm Gideon St. John. I'm with the Carter Madison foundation. On behalf of everyone, we want to welcome you to Malawi."


	2. Chapter 2

Gideon looks around curiously "I'm sorry,was I mistaken? I was told that there would be someone else flying in with you. Is she in the restroom?

"no, um, Dr. Torres and I we decided it would be best for her to continue her work in Seattle." Arizona says quickly brushing away a renegade tear that had escaped upon saying Callie's name.

Gideon nods, "I see,well, I'm sorry she won't be joining us. I know everyone at the clinic was looking forward to having someone in the orthopedic specialty to lend a hand."

"me too. It was sort of a last minute decision". Arizona was fighting hard to stay composed.

"let's head over and get your bags" Gideon kindly gestures toward the baggge claim.

The African landscape is more breathtaking than she could have ever envisioned. As she and Gideon bump along on their way to the clinic, she stares out the window in awe. "Is that…is that an actual lion?" she gasps suddenly "like, king of the jungle, just sleeping over there on the side of the road?" she breathes, fully aware that she probably sounds as eloquent as an 11 year old kid sitting in the back of the car.

Gideon chuckles, that part never really loses it's wonder. I've been here almost two years and it still shocks me.

"where are you from?" She asks.

"Baltimore. John's Hopkins."

Arizona's face suddenly breaks into a smile, "I graduated from Hopkins, I did my residency there. It was great"

Gideon nods, "I studied global health and political science, and then right out of college,Carter Madison offered me a position to oversee the health initiative here. Dr Robbins, you have no idea how grateful these children and families are that you've chosen to dedicate your time here. The next three years, you'll see, the amount of children you'll be able to help will astound you."

She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I'm looking forward to meeting everyone on the medical team today."

Before long, the jeep comes to a stop in front of a small building, oddly out of place in the middle of the African savannah. Under the circumstances, the building was surprisingly modern looking. A tiny redheaded woman is anxiously standing on the steps of the clinic. "that's Penny Jessop." Gideon explains, she's the boss around here. Likes to hug."

"duly noted." Arizona chuckles softly as she gets out of the car.

"Dr. Robbins!" the tiny woman throws her arms around her. Arizona is surprised her her strength. "We're so glad you could make it!"She glances around. "Is Dr. Torres with you?"

Arizona shakes her head. No, Calliope is not going to be joining us" She explains, this time feeling the exhaustion and weight of having to explain, again, that Callie wasn't with her.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. She then smiles widely, "Well, come on in, let's get you settled upstairs. We have a few hours before your welcome banquet with the members of the board at the American embassy, and of course, you need to meet your team. They're all so excited to be working with you."

Arizona blinks with confusion, " I'm sorry, Banquet? Embassy? I don't know what you're talking about." her head is now swimming.

"Gideon you didn't tell her?" Penny stared at him, clearly annoyed

. "I'm sorry, I thought she knew." He offered sheepishly. Arizona shook her head, "no. I had no clue."

Penny turns to her apolegetically. "I'm so sorry. The Cater Madison initiative board wants to honor your arrival with a dinner. Everyone is thrilled you've chosen to direct your Grant money here in Malwai."

Arizona smiled, grateful and humbled, "It's really unnecessary. It's what I've always wanted to do" she began.

"No no! Nonsense. You deserve a proper welcome and that's exactly what you'll get" Penny insisted. "Now, let's go meet that team of yours. Arizona, this is going to be just great."

Penny bustled inside the clinic doors, holding them open to Arizona with another broad smile.

"it's going to be great." Arizona whispered to herself again before heading inside.


	3. Chapter 3

Penny excitedly leads Arizona through the front hallway of the clinic. Arizona smiles down at a pair of young girls sitting in the waiting area, swinging their legs in the waiting room chairs.

"Dr. Robbins, I'd like you to meet your team!"

Arizona extends her hand to the three young doctors standing at a makeshift nurses station. "Nice to meet you all. I'm Arizona Robbins."

The female in the group smiles "Evelyn Jacobs. Cardio" She extends her hand kindly. "It's great to have you. This is Dr. David Hughes, he's our neurologist and Dr. Finn Thompson, our jack of all trades. He handles a lot of the general surgery and everyone helps out in the more minor medical cases we see here. "

The guys grin widely "So here she is". The famous Dr. Arizona Robbins of Seattle Grace finally graces us with her presence." Finn exclaims.

Arizona exhales for what felt like the first time in weeks. The team seems welcoming and friendly. The very last thing she needs was uncooperative coworkers for the next three years.

She smiles at the three of them, finding her confidence for a moment. "I'm looking forward to getting to know you guys, and working closely with all of you. I think this is going to be a great opportunity for all of us."

"Dr. Robbins, would you like to get settled? I know it's been a long flight for you since taking off last night." Penny offers.

Arizona nods eagerly, suddenly realizing that her limbs are aching with exhaustion and her hidden grief .

"So here we are. Home sweet home." Penny opens the door to a bright, airy room on the second floor of the clinic. "We try to make things as comfortable as possible for all of you."

"Thank you Penny, for all of your kindness."

She smiles "I'll leave you to it! We'll see you downstairs in a few hours for dinner."

Arizona slowly surveys the room. The walls are a butter yellow, and the african sun is pouring through the open window. She sits on the edge of the bed, and quietly takes it all in. All of it was exhausting and overwhelming, and she desperately wished she could sleep as opposed to attending a banquet in her honor. If only Carter Madison could understand that she had just broken up with the love of her life standing in an airport not 24 hours earlier, maybe, just maybe they'd have mercy and reschedule for, oh, next century, when she was able to function again.

She kicks off her shoes, and curls up on her side. The new bed was comfortable enough, but it would take some getting used to.

"are you okay?" a female voice from the doorway startles her upright.

"Yeah, I um- you started me. I'm fine, thank you."

"I'm sorry."

Arizona offers her a smile, "I'm good. Don't worry."

"You look sad, is all." The petite brunette woman at the doorway smiles back at her. "I'm Erin. I'm a nurse here."

"I'm-"

"You're Dr. Arizona Robbins." Erin finishes, her brown eyes are wide with exuberance. "I know all about you. Not.. in like a creepy stalker sort of way but just in a "they've been telling the staff all about you" sort of way.

Arizona nods and inwardly smiles, she can hear a lot of herself in Erin. Or, who she used to be. Smile-y, perky. Upbeat. She thinks about telling the young nurse to run, far and fast, where nothing, and no one, and no situation will ever rob her of those things. But then again, no one had given her that benefit.

"I'm just tied" Arizona lies.

Erin nods wisely. "right." She makes no motion to leave Arizona's doorway. Making her slightly nervous. She smooths her wrinkled shirt and looks quietly around the room as Erin continues to hang out.

"And, I.. I just ended a relationship. It's just... a lot." She finally blurts out. She cannot believe she's spilling her guts to a total stranger, much less, a colleauge. She silently groans.

Erin puts her hand to her mouth "Oh, Dr. Robbins, I'm really sorry."

Arizona swallows hard and gets to her feet "It's okay, "I'm really fine." Another lie. She is now desperate for this well meaning, obviously sweet girl to go away.

Erin nods understandingly. "Well listen if you need anything, My room's right across the hall." Erin offers. "I'll see you downstairs later."

Erin shuts the door behind her, and she exhales deeply and flops down on the bed.

"Come on Robbins" she commands herself. "Pull your act together."But she knows that the command is useless, as she can hear her voice begin to crack.


	4. Chapter 4

Arizona lays, staring at the African savannah for what feels like three straight days. To her, it feels like she has literally arrived at the other end of the world. She smiles to herself, remembering momentarily how hard she had worked to get to this point in her life. It had been two years. Two long years since she had applied to do this. She was, in her own words, a different person two years ago.

She desperately wished that the person who applied for the grant could shake her in that moment, and tell her that nothing else matters. This endeavor, these children, this clinic were it.

She finally rises to her feet, and numbly unzips her suitcase. She pulls out a simple, strapless black dress, It's all she can think of to wear in the sweltering African heat. She stands, moments later peering at her reflection, and returns to her suitcase a moment later to fish out the small, velvety pouch tucked deep within the lining of her suitcase. Finally, she locates it, and takes out the small, delicate heart necklace she had received for Valentines day.

She smiles as she remembered that day, the early dinner, and the giddy excitement of exchanging gifts at the table, even though they were both well aware of what they would be receiving. After all, they had gone to pick them out the weekend before, and promised to exchange them that night. That necklace means the world to her. She adjusts the clasp, takes one final glance in the mirror, and quietly shuts the bedroom door behind her.

"There she is! Our guest of honor!" Penny exclaims as Arizona joins her colleauges in the lobby of the clinic.

She smiles gratefully, "I really can't believe you've done all of this for me. I can't thank you enough"

Penny pats her hand "Just enjoy this evening, because tomorrow? Tomorrow your work begins!" she says with dramatic flair.

Arizona quietly takes in the beautiful African sunset on their drive to the American Embassy.

"It's pretty amazing huh?" Evelyn remarks.

Arizona nods "It takes your breath away."

"When we have a day off, we'll take you on a hike. Then you'll really get to see everything up close" Finn spoke up.

"I'd love that" She smiles.

Finally, the car arrives at the steps of the American Embassy. Penny smiles once more at the four of them. "Show time!"

"Is that my... face on that poster?" Arizona gasps suddenly.

"Well. You're kind of a big deal" David chuckles. It's not every day we have a leading pediatric surgeon winning the actual grant and getting on a plane to actually be here. Most of us are here on our own volition."

Arizona's eyes suddenly widen. "I see. Wow. Well... I'm kind of a a loss for words." She admits.

David grins and holds his arm out to her "May I escort the guest of honor in?"

"Please." Arizona is relieved and grateful that her colleages are kind, giving people who appreciate the effort. Suddenly, she chuckles considering her friends back in Seattle. If they could see her now. Alex Karev would have a field day with the "Arizona Freaking Robbins" appreciation dinner. Cristina Yang's head would be exploding with sarcastic jokes.

And suddenly, she misses them so much, she began to ache.

It is only moments after Arizona takes her place at the table before Penny rises to the podium to speak.

"You can see her smile from space" Arizona mumbles to Finn, who chuckles quietly, as Penny lists off Arizona's credentials and background for all to hear.

" And now, my friends, colleagues, and members of the embassy, on behalf of the Carter Madison foundation, I am pleased to present you with tonight's honoree, doctor Arizona Honor Robbins.

"Honor?" David whispers, holding back good natured laughter

"Quiet you!" she hisses, trying to fight back her own laughter at the ridiculousness of all of this, and feeling a sense of comraderie with her fellow doctors suddenly.

The room bursts into applause as Arizona slowly stands up. She squints as a flashbulb goes off in her eyes.

"Dr. Robbins, a few words, please?"

Arizonas eyes go wide. A speech? Now? She knows better than to say no, but inside her nerves are shot to hell.

She slowly approaches the podium and centers herself.

The room is awkwardly quiet, waiting for her to speak. She leans into the microphone and then recoils at the screeching feedback that she is met with. "I'm sorry" she babbles. "I'm not one for public speaking, but, thank you, so much to the Carter Madison foundation for allowing me to be here, I have a lot of hope that we can positively impact the lives of these children. I..I'm honored, and humbled to be a part of it. Thank you."

For the first time,she dares to look far out into the crowd. Suddenly her eyes sharpen on a woman standing in the back of the ballroom. She quietly gasps, and gracefully exits the podium.

She scans the room in shock. Was it even remotely possible? Had she followed Arizona all the way to Malawi? the idea was crazy. Insane. Impossible. Right?

Suddenly Arizona spots her again, an quietly excuses herself, making a beeline for the back of the ballroom.

"Please. Please" she silently hears herself pleading in her head.

"Calliope? " She is within enough distance to see her, to reach out, and touch her.

The woman turns around, "I'm sorry, who?" She is strikingly beautiful, with the same beautiful long dark hair but it is most certainly not her love. Of course it isn't Callie. How could she possibly have thought that it would be her? What, did she honestly think that Callie would swoop in suddenly declaring her love for Africa, and take Arizona in her arms and forgive her after leaving her standing in the airport like that? She suddenly felt ridiculous. She quietly wiped her eyes, uncaring if the mascara was smudged, and walked back toward the table.

"Hey, you okay?" Finn approaches her as she is headed back to the table.

Arizona plasters a smile on her face "I'm fine. Hey, is there an open bar here? After that, I could really use a drink."

Finn throws back his head and laughs, "Right this way... Honor."


	5. Chapter 5

"Good morning star shine!" David chuckles from the nurses station

Arizona groans under her breath as she joins her colleauges in the clinic the following morning. Jet lag has officially taken it's toll, and she has the screaming headache to prove it.

"I didn't take you for a lightweight Robbins." Finn gently teases, You were practically passed out after one glass of chardonnay.

Arizona rolls her eyes "It's the jet lag." She turns her attention to the stack of charts in front of her, and feels a sudden burst of energy. It was finally time to get started. Jet lag be damned.

"Dr. Robbins!" Arizona can feel Penny's energy from across the clinic. She practically prances over to her and the other doctors, with another woman following behind her. She is tall, with beautiful bronze skin and long dark hair pulled back in a dreadlocked ponytail. Penny motions behind her "I have someone I'd like you to meet, Dr. Robbins, this is Makena Jones, your interpreter."

Arizona's face breaks into a grateful smile "Arizona Robbins. She extends her hand, "I'm looking forward to working with you."

Makena smiles "I've heard wonderful things about you as well Dr. Robbins. Her accent is beautiful.

Penny looks from one woman to the other

"are you ready to get started?

"Ready as ever!" Arizona is trying to find it within herself to match the perky woman's energy.

Penny claps her hands, "Well don't let me keep you!"

Arizona finds that her hands are shaking both from nerves and excitement as she takes her first chart, and makes her way over to the small waiting area she walked through yesterday

"Malachai? Is there a Malachai here?" She tentatively calls, looking over at Makena waiting for her to translate. Moments later, a woman and her young son step forward. Arizona guesses he's 4 at the most. He shyly buries himself behind his mother's long skirt. Arizona swallows her nerves as she glances up at Makena.

"Just be yourself Dr. Robbins. I'll take care of the rest." She smiles kindly.

Arizona kneels down to Malachi's level. "Hi buddy!" she says brightly, just as if she was back in seattle, dealing with any other patient. Makena and his mother begin to converse, and Arizona kindly holds out her hand to the shy little boy. He peeks curiously at her through saucer sized eyes.

"Dr. Robbins, his mother says he's been complaining of a stomach ache for 4 days now." Makena says gently.

She nods and straightens, "Let's get him to an exam room, and find out what's causing his belly ache" she says softly.

Once inside the Exam room, she allows Malachi to take hold of her stethescope, as she gently places her hands on his belly. Immediately, he squirms and cries out in Swahili for his mother.

She nods quietly and looks over at Makena. "Okay. This is what I thought. Malachai has a hernia in his belly. Makena, do we have access to an ultrasound machine?

Makena shakes her head "No, Dr. Robbins."

Arizona nods again, quietly figuring out what her next move should be. "Okay. No Ultrasound, what about access to CT?"

Makena shakes her head again, and Arizona begins to feel, on her very first day, the pressures of working in a third world country with limited medical technology available.

As Makena translates, Arizona elects to step out, and take a breath. She knew it would be hard, she knew her skills would be tested, but she thought there'd be at least... something to help her along. She mentally kicks herself for being optimistic.

She quietly knocks on the office door, where Penny is busy shuffling through paperwork at the desk.

"Dr Robbins!"

Arizona sits down across from her.

Penny looks up again. "Is there something I can do for you Dr Robbins?"

Arizona looks away, and fights off the familiar lump in her throat and the stinging in both eyes that she suddenly feels. No. She will not break down. She didn't come all the way from Seattle to break down in the middle of the Carter Madison Clinic on her first day, in her first hour on the job. No.

"Arizona, is everything alright?"

"I have a little boy in exam 1. I'm pretty sure he has a hernia." she starts slowly.

Penny nods, "Okay?"

"Normally, I'd do an ultrasound to comfirm. I'd do bloodwork to rule out any kind of infection. But, I'm getting the sense I won't be able to do that. Correct?"

Penny shakes her head.

Dr Robbins, I'm sorry. We're not equipped to handle the kind of diagnostic equipment you need.

Arizona balls her fists standing in Penny's office, "I can operate blind, and if I'm wrong, I could kill him, make him sicker. I came here to do a job, and I knew It would be hard. I knew that the minute I got my grant, but, please. There must be something I can do. Some way we can get the clinic modern equipment like an ultrasound machine, for starters.

Penny sighs sadly, welcome to third world medicine doctor. All of them are in this kind of shape. Were just not equipped, and no one hates that more than me.

Arizona shakes her head. "No."

"excuse me?"

"I said no. This is unacceptable. I want to put a portion of the grant money towards modern medical equipment for this clinic."

"Arizona." penny said gently, I know you're frustrated but were talking tens of thousands-

"I was told I'd have nearly unlimited funds" she interrupted. Who do I need to call, Mr .Carter Madison himself? I'll do it. We need access to a working lab for analysis, a portable ultrasound...and throw in a portable chest x ray machine while we're at it. She suddenly hold her head up higher, boosted with a surge of confidence.

Penny hesitated for a moment. There's a lab, it's in Lilongwe. We can arrange to have bloodwork looked at.

Arizona smiles, and the equipment?

That I can't promise. But I'll make a few calls. are you certain about using your grant money Arizona?

"yes."

Arizona stands up, and heads for the door

"Hell of a first morning Robbins" Penny says, with a hint of a smile forming on her lips.


End file.
